In the past two weeks I’ve had two guys call it quits, and surprisingly they used the exact same lame excuse. As a result, I’ve decided to take a break from dating this holiday season. Winter illuminations have taken over Tokyo, and I rather experience them alone than with some guy who will disappear after less than a handful of dates. So, enjoy this dating update since it shall (potentially) be the last one of the year.
If you can remember, Sake Master and I left off on our third date. Two weeks after our last date (on November 2?3?) we went out on our fourth date. We met in Nippori and he took me to an Indian Restaurant. We waited for about 45 minutes to be seated. I felt transported to an India, as if I was inside an Indian Maharajah’s room. The ornate restaurant decorations created an absolutely magnificent ambiance. However, since we waited a long time to be seated, the date lasted longer than I anticipated. I found myself growing bored of our conversation. As I’ve said again and again, he’s a nice guy, but I finally realized that I was bored by him. I had no idea what to talk about and I felt myself grasping for threads to keep the conversation moving.
The food at the restaurant was tasty, but the restaurant was a bit over the top. I loved the restaurant decor, but I considered the gold tableware as gaudy and ostentatious. I felt that the dynamic owner was kind yet tended to brag. It’s only natural, I suppose. You of course, want to highlight the ingredients and items on the menu. What irked me about him was that initially he recommended we order two curries so that we could share. At the end of the meal, he critiqued our choices saying we should not have ordered two onion based curries since they have similar tastes. Well, why didn’t you recommend something different?!
Anyway, after dinner, I was sleepy and ready to call it a night. After all, the dinner was long enough and I knew I didn’t want to see him again. He asked if I wanted to grab a drink. Since it was only a little past 21h, I knew that I couldn’t convincingly tell him I instead wanted to go home and sleep. I already told him I didn’t want to stay out late because I had to pack for a trip and I was leaving very early the next morning. I said I had a little bit of time and we could go for a quick drink. Quick drink my ass. He took me to a bar that was at least a 15 minute walk away from the station. It was already 22h when we arrived. It was a really cool bar, but it was a whisky bar. I am not a whisky drinker so I settled for a beer.
Soon enough Sake Master started chatting with the bar tender about his Sake Master certification. The bar tender started giving us free samples of various sakes and whiskies. It was really kind of him, but I was finishing my beer and ready to high tail it back home. I finish my beer right as Sake Master orders another drink. Are you freaking kidding me?! Did you forget that I specifically told you I wanted to go home early? It’s nearly 23h. I started to grow irritated.
Essentially, we left after 23h30, rushing to make the last train home since the bar was 15-20 minutes from the station. I was angry at myself for agreeing to get this quick drink. I wanted to go home hours ago, and here I am rushing to make the last train. I’m exhausted and I have to go home and pack. Sake Master’s face is red, so I know he’s drunk. He’s also cold and trying to cuddle up to me to keep him warm. Ha. Yeah right. Freeze! He takes me down a quiet side street shortcut, and immediately, my senses are on high alert. We arrive at a random corner, he grabs my arm and tries to pull me into him while saying, “Kiss me, Please.” I instinctively shove him off and say, “No.” I quickly added, I’m not going to kiss you in public in the middle of the street! Did it matter that there wasn’t a soul in sight? No. I didn’t want to kiss him, and I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
We finally arrived at the train station. I thanked him and reluctantly gave him a hung (he usually awkwardly shakes my hand at the end of the date), and went to my train platform. I haven’t seen him since that date, nor do I have any intention of seeing him. Frankly, I’m not interested. Luckily, since that date, my work schedule has been hectic. I keep telling him I’m too busy to see him. However, he remains persistent, so I may have to let him off gently.
Serbian Mr. Clean
I met Serbian Mr. Clean (Serbia for short) a few years ago on a family reunion cruise. Through the years, we’ve sporadically kept in touch. After the cruise, we initially started chatting a lot. I made plans to visit him in Serbia when he finished his contract. However, when he was at home, things were too busy and hectic to receive a guest. He mysteriously started to become busier and soon he was back on the cruise ship hardly responding to my messages. He told me not to stop writing him, that he was still interested and missed me, but his busy schedule and crappy internet connection didn’t allow him to properly communicate with me. For some reason, I kept writing, but less often because who likes writing to someone who never responds? Soon enough, I stopped writing him completely. Soon after, I saw pictures of him and his girlfriend all over Facebook. Well, that explained a lot.
Over the course of the next two years, our communication consisted of birthday wishes and congratulations. Long story short, him and his girlfriend got engaged and broke up around this past May. I happened to reach out to him post break up because I saw he was cruising in Japan. I informed him that I was living in Tokyo and we should meet for lunch if his ship ever stopped here. Since he had ended his engagement, we magically began communicating again.
Towards the end if the summer he mentioned that he would be interested in training at a judo dojo in Tokyo during his next break and asked if he could stay with me while he did so. I told him it would.be no problem. He knew I was dating around because I told him my funny stories. I assumed his intentions were platonic. He said to keep him updated on my dating life because he wouldn’t come if I had a boyfriend. I told him I would let him know if anything became serious, but knowing myself I would still be single.
He eventually buys a ticket to visit Tokyo in mid-November. We are talking more regularly and while I’m obviously still dating we don’t talk about my funny stories anymore. As November approaches I look forward to his visit; yet, I grow worried that we are no longer in the same page. Yes, I like him; he’s a nice guy, fun to chat with, good looking, and has the most amazing butt I’ve seen in my life, man or woman. No, seriously. My cousin’s boyfriend has an amazing butt as well, but Serbia predates him. Anyway, I know that there is zero chance in hell I want a relationship with this guy.
It’s the beginning of November and Owl and I head to Kofu the first weekend for autumn sight seeing. Mysteriously, when i return, our conversations begin waning. I feel him distance himself. As his departure date approaches, he pretty much starts to ignore my messages. WTF? Maybe you’re busy but I’m asking you to confirm your travel information. In the week leading up to his departure date I had a feeling he was going to flake. I mean, I’ve hardly heard from the guy that is suppose to come stay with me. I tell myself that if he doesn’t come but it doesn’t affect my life. I’d be more frustrated if I was visiting him and wasn’t hearing from him.
The day before his flight (November 17) I message him directions to my place. The morning of his flight (Serbia time) he tells me his cousin was found dead from a drug overdose in a park and the family is shocked. Call me heartless if you must, but I’m skeptical from the start. I mean, how convenient is it that your family member die the day of your trip after you’ve been slowly fading away from your host. In typical Sally fashion my response was, “so, are you still coming?” I mean, I added the typical “I’m so sorry blah blah blah.” I’m not a complete monster. I mean, seriously though, I’m not deep cleaning my apartment if you’re not showing up.
An hour before his flight he updates me with this explanation of his cousin being a drug addict and him not knowing, but they weren’t even close, etc. At no point does he apologize for this sudden change, say he’s canceled his trip, say he’s delayed his trip, stressed that he was really looking forward to a reunion and can’t believe this has happened. Owl and I agree these are typically normal responses when you cancel a trip because of circumstances out of your control.
Anyway, I answer that I assume he isn’t coming. I mean, you’re flight leaves in an hour and you’re obviously not on it. He told me he’d update me on his travel plans the following day. A day, my ass. A few days pass without a peep and I believe I’ll never hear from him again. How rude and inconsiderate can a person be? I decide to give him until the end of the week before cutting the cord and deleting him from my life.
Saturday night before bed I cut the cord. It was almost a week and not a word. I woke up Sunday morning to a message saying he was “so sorry.” Things were hectic and he thought he told me he canceled the flight but is “happy I figured it out on my own.” He said a bunch of other stuff but the important thing to note is that I was thoroughly unimpressed by this message. My response was simple and illustrated how many effs I have at this point. “Thanks for letting me know.”
He never read the message nor do I expect him to read it. My gut tells me he started dating someone and didn’t have the courage to tell me the truth. A family death was the “most convincing” way to cancel is trip and avoid telling me the simple truth. Regardless, he’s going to stay deleted because this he is one of the only people in earth I have zero desire to reunite with.
Actually, you know what the worst part is about this situation? About five or six weeks ago I told Serbia I had cold feet because the temperature was dropping in my apartment. He raved about a Serbian brand of fluffy socks. He said they were super warm and cozy and offered to bring me a pair as a gift. A week or two later the 100 yen shop rolled out their fluffy socks, But I resisted purchasing them. I didn’t want to ruin Serbia’s gift. I spent a month with cold feet in anticipation of these fluffy socks I’m never going to get! What kind of evil person does that?! I mean, no one should suffer through perpetual cold feet for a month! I wonder if he would be willing to mail me those socks.
Things were going good with JAG, although we were moving a little fast. I like that he seemed to value his independence as much as I do. We weren’t up each others’ butts trying to hang out all the time. Well, we only have had a handful of dates.
On our third date, which was when I went to his place to make tacos, he told me that his parents were arriving the following week and would stay for one month. We were both out if town the following week so we had dinner again two weeks later.
The weekend after he went to Hiroshima with his parents. I sent him a text in the middle of last week asking if he’s be interested in going to a garden during the weekend to see the autumn foliage. He use to work for a landscape architect and somehow has a deeper love for plants than I do. I thought it was a great idea. Except, he never responded. He didn’t even read my message. What was going on? Was this guy seriously ghosting me?! Ugh, why?! I thought we were past that stage. I noticed on Friday that he unmatched me on Bumble. What a coward. Instead of being upfront and honest he simply cut me out. Don’t men now a days have any self respect?!
By Saturday it’s been 4 days since I asked him out with no answer so I accepted it was over and deleted our conversation. I didn’t need the painful reminder of yet another rejection in my list of active chats. There must be a bell that rings when girls cut a cord because a few hours later I received a message from him. The message was short and vague. You’ll never believe why he hadn’t responded. He had a death in the family. A death. You had to be kidding me. Two times in one week?! Is th the new excuse men are using these days?! What, do they think it’s better than ghosting? I mean, I consider it marginally better but still a pathetic excuse.
What could I do? Of course I didn’t believe him, especially when his last text read, “may be some time before we can hang out.” If that wasn’t an obvious ‘I never want to see you again’ I don’t know what is. I sent a nice response knowing it could very well be the last text I send him. Should I follow up with him in case he’s sincere or just let it go? All my guy friends agree it’s over.
Today I deleted the conversation and that bell must have rang because a few hours later he sent me a thank you message. Sadly, it raised my hopes. Why even bother sending a thank you message if you have no intention of seeing me again? I like Owl’s advice best. Assume he will never contact me so I’m not dwelling on it. If he decides to contact me I can reassess my feelings at that date and decide if I’m still interested. It makes the most sense.
Here are my closing remarks: I feel like a monster for not believing these guys but honestly, what are the chances they both had a relative die? DoD even pointed out that even he’s not that savage when he ends thing. Regardless of the truth or future outcome, I’ve decided I need a break from online dating. I deleted my apps and I’ll think about reinstalling them in the new year. As for now, I can kiss f boys goodbye for 2017!